An Alternate Reality - Who nose?!

Ivan for all of you once again!!

Well it has long been said that the Divine has a highly developed sense of humour, and is more than a little mischievous as well, but things are starting to get more crazy than normal!

I recently read a message from Guruji saying that for a while we all need to drive with particular care and attention. As one does, I immediately assumed the message was specifically for me - after all, I had recently had the privilege of driving Guruji around Sydney one day during His visit here, so He had experienced my driving first hand – this message was definitely for me! Well, it can't hurt to slow down & drive more mindfully for a while, I thought, a bit of good car-karma would be welcome.

But then came the rub. 'First check', the message went on to say, 'which is your active nostril, and enter the car with the corresponding foot first.'

I read the message again. It didn't change. So the next time I needed to drive I saw my "Check Nostrils" reminder note under my car keys and repeated it to myself like a mantra as I walked to the car.

Unlocking the door and glancing fugitively left and right to make sure no one was looking, I snorted onto the back of my hand to try and sense which nostril delivered the strongest air current. But it was a blustery day and the wind factor was a consideration. I opened my jacket, put my hand inside to escape the wind and repeated the exercise. No question, the flow of air from my right nostril was definitely stronger.

Well, we drive on the left in Australia and the driver's side is on the right. I opened the car door and stood for a moment trying to picture how it would work putting my right foot in first. The next thing I knew I was kneeling on the drivers' seat facing the back of the car. This was clearly going to require practice.

(It reminded me of the first time I used an Indian 'hole in the ground' style toilet. Then too I ended up facing the wrong way but I won't elaborate on where the objective of my squatting ended up!)

I climbed out of the car and tried again. I discovered that by ducking my head inside the car first, closely followed by my right leg and with a kind of quick hop and skip, whilst simultaneously sliding my left leg under my right, I could comply with the instructions while simultaneously experiencing a new Yoga asana – I decided to call it 'sideways dog.'

So driving has taken on a whole new meaning. Too often, of course, I forget the nostril check until I'm half a mile down the road. I do a quick check, hoping the left nostril is active which means I got in, albeit unknowingly, with the correct foot first, and can thus continue my journey in safety. The trouble starts when it isn't the left one. I normally check again a few times of course to get a second, third and even fourth opinion, but sadly there's usually just no doubt.

Like the other morning. I was half way across Sydney Harbour Bridge and suddenly remembered I hadn't checked. After several checks I had to concede the right was unmistakably active. It was then, and quite inexplicably, that I became gripped with a strong sense of impending doom. There was not a moment to lose. Act now or face certain catastrophe!

Fortunately, due to the large volume of traffic, it was moving quite slowly. I braked to a gentle stop and nonchalantly got out of the car. I now have a small but simple routine for such circumstances. The rules of which allow me to leave the engine running as long as I entirely vacate the car and close the door, before opening it and getting back in.

To satisfy the curiosity of the divers stuck behind me, when I get out I usually walk to the back of the car as if I'm checking something, (lights at night, boot door closed during the day.)

On this occasion, not only was there a line of curious drivers held up behind me, but I had also attracted the attention of the occupants of a police car held up in the traffic on the other side of the road. I noticed they were looking at me inquisitively.

I gave them my best 'everything's normal here officers' nod and opened the drivers door. Aware of their scrutiny, I performed my much practiced right-foot entry technique but, as life has it, my foot caught on the door sill and I dived pretty much head first into the driver's foot well.

It was one of those ego-busting moments but with potential for something more unfortunate. There was nothing else to do but clamber into a half reasonable driving position, smile engagingly, pull away and wait for the sound of the sirens. I glanced across at them as I drove off and was relieved to see they were just looking at each other and shaking their heads slowly.

Such events are becoming the norm now around Sydney and I can't help but wonder what I'll say when a policeman does finally challenge me on suspicion of being under the influence – which of course I am. Completely intoxicated by Divine madness, a delicious state brought on by association with our beloved Guruji.

I'm having visions of someone we all adore giggling in His kutir as He pictures devotees all over the world contorting themselves into various vehicles. Meanwhile,

I'm just grateful I don't have to get on a horse!

Sydney 2005

PS PLEASE write to him and tell him to write more... i would love it if this became at least a fortnightly column on this blog... what do you say?! :) You can read his other posts here and here. His email id is: ivan@artofliving.org.au